www.fmylife.com - My New Obsession

www.fmylife.com
NSFW, but fucking hilarious. Unless of course, you work where I do, and anything goes.

When I grow up, I want to be an FML contributor. Until then, I will enjoy other people's misery. This is my pick of the day:
Today, I had the cops called on me because I accidently texted "I'm going to kill you and use your head as hood ornament" to my ex-fiance, instead of my best friend. I only texted that because he got a better grade on an exam than me. Now I have a court date. FML

Dry Air

I am so fucking hungry and it is unbelievably dry in my office so my eyes are bothering me and my throat is scratchy.
I DEFINITELY have to get my nails painted today because while making pesto last night (which I thought was going to come out waaaaaay too strong but ended up being quite tasty indeed despite the exorbitant amount of garlic I put in) I chopped down on my left thumb nail, causing the paint to chip off. Not a huge deal if I was wearing a light color, however I am wearing a dark blue sapphire color so it is glaringly obvious.
Today is the husband's birthday! I booked him a 90-minute Swedish massage in a few weeks (if I gave him the gift certificate, he'd never go) at 11:00 a.m., then I'll pick him up and take him to lunch, then later on that night we'll go into the city and watch the Pro-Lacrosse team that plays here. The games are so fun, and he has never been!
Tonight we're going to dinner, and on Saturday, we're heading up to Triumph Brewery because he is such a homebrewer and since I've already taken him to Lambertville, he may enjoy this. We're getting up there early evening for some pints before his parents join us, then dinner. On Sunday we're going over to his other set of parents' house for another birthday dinner. I'm glad people are making a big deal about him - he always gets thought of last, but heaven help us all if he forgets to send a CARD for his aunt's wedding anniversary or something like that...no wait...I catch shit...he just gets guilt trips.
Anywho, he's a wonderful man, and he deserves a great day! Off to my Lean Cuisine before I come through the computer screen and eat you.

Handicapped Parking Spots

You probably aren't going to like me after you read this. But that's okay. Because I think it might be important for this to be said, and I will take the fall for it. If you have read my post on crossing guards, life guards, etc., you really should have seen this coming.

Where I park my car everyday, at the high speed rail line to come into the city, there was always a considerable amount of parking spaces for handicapped people, yet of the hmmm...20 - 25 spots, probably a little less then half were occupied. Around Christmas time, or the holiday season, whatever, fuck you, they chose to repave the entire parking lot, which was great, because there was a tremendous amount of pot holes and other broken asphalt everywhere.

Now, in the same close parking lot where the handicapped spots were, there were about 10 metered spots. Meaning that people who will willing to pay $1.25 versus those willing to pay $1.00 more were able to walk about 200 feet right into the station whereas I paid only $1.00 and had to walk about 225 feet. The unlucky truth about the metered spots is they are highly HIGHLY watched by the Delaware River Port Authority parking cops (I don't know why they exist either, but sometimes they bring a Labrador to the station and all is forgiven). If you park in this spot and get tied up at work and are running, oh, 30 minutes late and your time expires, you get hit with a $30.00 ticket! If you park in the $1.00 spots, you probably could leave your car there for a few days before someone comes looking for a dead body.

Anywho, to prevent these $30.00 tickets, people would pay for much more than 10 hours worth of parking ($0.25 for every two hours = $1.25) and the parking authority was really getting away with people pay up to $2.00 a day to park. Smart scheme, am I correct? I, too, have fell victim of throwing all of my change in there on a day where I am running late in an effort to cut off about 35 seconds of walking time to catch a train.

For about two weeks after they paved the lot, where all of the parking meters were, there were just metal poles. You could now park in a premium spot for free! I totally did it, and felt superior when I strutted to my car and all of the other commuters watched slackjawed as I slid right in and took off, while they walked to their $1.00 spots or WORSE. The free, spooky far away spots.

Then one day, the metal poles were replaced with MORE handicapped signs. Now there are only five metered spots, and the handicapped spots remain as empty as ever.

While this was a very long winded build to my point, I am frustrated with the parking authorities lack of business acumen. Clearly we will never have enough handicapped people at our station to necessitate that many spots and they chose to LOSE money to accomodate these invisible disabled people. Our trains are from about 1962 and frequently break down on the Ben Franklin Bridge. Fox29 choppers and everything.

The last point I will make on this subject is this: I don't believe that all of the people with the removable handicapped tags are, in fact, handicapped. I (will totally own this as wrong) had a friend in high school whose father was handicapped and could never leave the house. He absolutely deserved his handicapped tag but since he wasn't going anywhere, we'd hop in her Ford Taurus and role into every HC spot available. Even at Windmill. At 2:30 a.m. to get french fries. The only reason I feel no remorse is that we were 16 and I have grown up. But I will admit that I was a completely, self-absorbed, selfish 16 year old (and 15, and 14, and 13, and so on and so forth).

Some mornings, I will be walking from my $1.00 parking spot (you cross through the handicapped lot to get in to the station - there simply isn't a way around it) and I will observe the cars. Some beautifully maintained BMWs, haggard 1987 Honda Accords, and Expeditions with ski racks on top...
Wait. Why the FUCK do you have a ski rack? Why is there a SINGLE pair skis in your backseat? Why the fuck do they look like they are YOURS??? Okay...calming down.

And sometimes, I walk through the parking lot in my 3 1/2 inch stilettos at 7:30 a.m., I hear tires squeal, and someone who is clearly smarter then I, slams his handicapped tag up on his rearview mirror and goes running past me.

Oh BROTHER

Hi there,
Long time no talk. Our new bedroom set was delivered:










Lovely, isn't it? We chose not to get the armoire, but the media stand instead, which comes in a week or two so that I don't have to have the flat screen on the gorgeous dresser blocking our $500.00 mirror.

Work has been good - I have been exhausted and not feeling great so I am going to the doctor on Friday, the 13th (mooowahahhahhaa). I positively despise going out to eat on Valentine's Day due to the fact that most restaurants have a *special* menu and it typically blows. So, instead, I suggested we go to dinner on Friday, the 13th. There is a restaurant I have been wanting to go to for quite some time and I was able to get us a 9:00 p.m. reservation - figured we'd do cocktails at a restaurant down the street beforehand, considering it is a BYO.

On the 14th, we're having an estimator come in for new carpeting in the den. We have this ATROCIOUS blue stained carpet in there, so I will be glad to see it go. It will be cold and rainy, so JR had the idea of cooking for each other and staying in, which I think is a great idea.

Anywhooooo back to work I go. Had an awesome lunch consisting on mussels and Sauvignon Blanc. I am so happy!

I drank vodka

And the Giants lost this weekend. I got so so shitty. I cannot drink more than one vodka beverage ever again. We were at a friend's house and I have like incredibly spotty memory of the evening.
Anyway. Got the Mustang for JR - he loves it, I love it, so there was much rejoicing. And the better the situation, the dealer gave me a loaner car until my car is repaired.
Did I mention my Mazda was RUINED about three weeks ago? JR was backing up and some peckerhead was speeding down our street in the SLEET and ruined it. Hopefully it will be done by the 16th as planned so I can sell it.
Tonight we're going to get a new bedroom set - it is so gorgeous and appropriately called The Martini Set. Dark wood, canopy bed, yadda yadda.

So, Wachovia kind of annoyed me. Now I have money and they are calling me to make sure I am "satisfied" when two months ago when my floating balance was $217, they could give two shits. It is true, money CAN buy happiness because people actually give a fuck about you when you have it.

My new jacket...

So pretty!
I have wanted a motorcyclesque leather jacket FOREVER and my husband finally got one for me! I am thrilled.

It sure has been a while - I just got back from lunch at Good Dog...http://www.gooddogbar.com/...
An relatively good bar close to my office where you can have a pint. I had the Brie and Roasted Tomato Pesto sandwich and it was scrumptious and I was able to avoid the fries.

Thanksgiving was spent in Mexico...did I write about that? Was naked and intoxicated at this awesome resort for five days. Couldn't have spent turkey day better!

December was REALLY uneventful - FINALLY received my first commission check ever so that was a relief. My next one (which is so ridiculously huge) comes tomorrow with the hopes of purchasing a new Mustang for the man. He absolutely deserves one after supporting us so much this year. He is wonderful. Then we need to pay some bills, but that won't be an issue.

Christmas Eve was so much fun - went to my in-laws that live close by, and they do the whole seafood thing because my Mother-in-Law is very Italian, but it was hilarious because they gave it a south Jersey twist. After 10 years of feeding me and me not contributing anything, I asked if I could bring some lobster, because I wanted to let them know how much I appreciate them always welcoming me into their home, when I was a poor high schooler, poor colleger, and poor post-colleger. It was such a great night.

Christmas was stressful. I got to see Mr. Cook, an old neighbor that has been the closest thing to a grandfather to me. I surprised him - the look on his face when he looked out the door was priceless. I was so happy to spend some time with him; I missed him last year because he had already left for dinner at his daughter's.

My MOMMY CAME UP! The day after Christmas we picked her up and I had her all weekend - we had such a great time - went to a wonderful restaurant. Seamus was so happy to have his Nanny there - he absolutely adores her and woke her up every morning. It is brutal when she leaves.

New Year's Eve was fun, too - we went to a restaurant that has great seafood with my Dad and in-laws and they seemed to really enjoy it, too. We kind of had happy hour at our house first; I got some shrimp and we had drinks. It is nice hanging out with your parents and feeling like an equal - they absolutely want your opinion and want you to contribute and be a resource. I like adding to my parents' lives and feeling wanted as opposed to feeling like a burden.
After dinner we went to my brother-in-laws because I really didn't feel like dragging Seamus up to a friend's house that is 1.5 hours away, nor did I feel like going into the city (but being outside on a boat somewhere...not fun for Meggy), so we went down there so we could have our dogs play. Let me tell you, I blacked out that night, woke up the next morning, had Pizza Bagels, kept drinking, drank all through the next night (this night was vodka, the night before was rum, so I am assuming that is why I was not hung over New Year's morning), but I woke up on the 2nd and thought someone had beaten me severely with a baseball bat. It took me a full day and a 1/2 to recover. I sent my sister an email saying that New Year's did its intended job: I CANNOT DRINK ANYMORE. Not literally, but I don't have the liver of a 21-year old anymore. So, I am going to be sticking to wine, and a little beer with the *occasional* cocktail which will probably be Captain and Diet...my old standby that never, ever hurt me as much as vodka.

In addition to getting obliterated, I also yelled at a representative from LA Fitness because they called me like 20x to set up my personal training consultation - I am not exaggerating. They called me nonstop within a two week period. And this is AFTER I had paid $500.00 to join - they already had my money! What else do you want from me? Anyway, I was screaming and curing and carrying on, and the rep was just like, "You can't talk to me like this - call me back when you calm down and aren't cursing." Seriously, I felt like such a piece of shit. So I called up and apologized and he said it was okay, but then my phone died. I felt so bad, but then the next day I checked my voicemail and it was the rep saying everything was cool, he heard me apologize and that he would take me off the call list and if there was ever a problem to come to him. I shit you not - the NEXT voicemail was from LA Fitness asking me if I was ready to get starting on my New Year's resolution. At this point, I just laughed. Whatever...there are so many more important things to worry about than LA Fitness.

But that leads me to another realization - there is no reason to get that angry over stupid things. Someone getting hit by a drunk driver - yes. A doctor missing cancer in your Mom's best friend because they were too busy with someone/thing else - yes. LA Fitness trying desperately to get me in the door to sign me up for something I clearly don't want and have displayed by not returning their 21 voicemails and 15 missed calls with no voicemail - no. It's a gym. They don't want me to be a fatass. They make money off of me NOT being a fatass. But I will not be mean to anyone ever again. Period. Speaking of which, I am getting it and I feel like garbage :-P

Williams and Sonoma want you to be fat.

There.
I said it.
May the gods of homegoods forsake me. But they have already forsaken me.
I received the new W and S this weekend, foaming at the mouth for what new, excessive new kitchen gadget I may purchase (or just dream about until I have more money to purchase a parsley de-leafer...no more plucking for me!). I open it up, and all that is there is fucking chocolate. And fucking cakes. For $75.00 mother fucking dollars.
They had a section, albeit small, but still a section, for cheese and tasty savory treats, but WHAM right back to fucking chocolate.
W and S, you should be ashamed of yourself. Maybe I should be ashamed of myself for allowing you to get away with selling me croissants for $80.00 a dozen. Anyway, you are all going to be fat, poor fucks if we allow this to continue.
Just sayin.


p.s. WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I USE AN AMPERSAND IN MY BLOG?